The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
moms in horror movies
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?