The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
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I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
sin harder.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
this is literally a CIA plant
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Stonehinge
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!