@mommajessiec

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

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@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@beccafacexo

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING

@Cyd10e

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

@andreeahluscu

Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.

@NapoleonNappy1

Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.

@KateWouldHaveIt

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

@Ygrene

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@ChickenFrecklez

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.