It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
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My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING
me: the usual
bartender: [hands me box of tissues]
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Ok, I am now following you. Where are we going? I vote for Arby’s. I love the horsey sauce. I shall bring my own horse.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.