The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
❤️❤️❤️
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.