@iGreenGod

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

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@dugglebutt

*Calling Chinese Restaurant*

CR: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”

CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”

Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason…”

@TheHatStore

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

@smiles_and_nods

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

@fro_vo

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

@RickAaron

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

@IAmMikeFeeney

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

@WetMascara

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

@eugene_bosco

Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
at midnight,
YOU ARE DRUNK

@michaelianblack

Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.

@tamytoo2

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.