The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

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*Calling Chinese Restaurant*

CR: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”

CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”

Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason…”


If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it


So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.


you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays


“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.


“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server


Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.


Life is not a FAIRY TALE.
If you lose your shoes 👟👞
at midnight,


Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.