Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.
Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
The key to breaking bones is to make sure they are someone else’s.
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.
I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
Stacy: Come over!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
DEMON: hey now