@LittleMissAngr1

The key to breaking bones is to make sure they are someone else’s.

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@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

@Jake_Vig

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

@AnniemuMary

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

@paperphotoyo

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@pixelatedboat

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

@nbadag

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now