[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Whisper out to librarians!
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what