The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
sin harder.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭