The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
guys i’ve cracked the code
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.