Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius
creator: who hates his sister
executive: is that it?
creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”