@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

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@MouthEaters

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

@KatieKatCubs

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

@_ElvishPresley_

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

@3sunzzz

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

@Lhlodder

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@EricGoldie

Apparently “some assembly required” is IKEA for “here’s a beech tree and some nails.”