The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Noted.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Choose your fighter
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.