The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.


Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”


me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.


DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?


I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.


When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.


me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?


Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes


[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring


Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to