Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to