Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…
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[in bathroom stall]
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
*Calls the DMV*
Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“It’s the small things that make me happy” -enthusiastic microbiologist
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– vibe killer
Saying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck