@BeingDBEAST

The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…

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@Kyle_Lippert

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

@squirrel74wkgn

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

@Wanderlust6190

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

@IvoryGazelle

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

@iGreenMonk

“It’s the small things that make me happy” -enthusiastic microbiologist

@wilw

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck