WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
The kid next to me just loudly bragged to his parents and the rest of this karate class that he learned what cocaine is from TikTok and this class just got a lot more interesting
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.
There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
Eastern Europe – 1989
“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it’s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.