The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.