@lmegordon

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

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@DestryBrod

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

@treywafer

On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@megankcomedy

I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing

@daemonic3

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

@SarahFemme

I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

@joeljeffrey

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

@linanneblack

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

@comer310

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?