The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.


On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj


I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing


Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”


I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?


If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.


You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.


Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?