[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?