The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
This kid will have a bright future.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Great game to play with friends
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”