@lmegordon
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
@DestryBrod
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
@treywafer
On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj
@megankcomedy
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
@daemonic3
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
@AndyJokedAgain
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
@SarahFemme
I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.
@iwearaonesie
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
@joeljeffrey
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
@linanneblack
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
@comer310
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?