The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
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I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Generation gap…
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.