@RodLacroix

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

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@yonewt

*trying to do a quick errand*

Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps

@thatdutchperson

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

@Sickayduh

“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”

@ehdannyboy

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

@sarah_edo

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

@ArfMeasures

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

@gabbazaba

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

@PJTLynch

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

@ScubavelliDeux

*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”