The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

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*trying to do a quick errand*

Person In Front Of Me: I have so many questions about stamps


[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”


ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work


ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun


“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”


“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.


While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!


Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what


manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)


“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out


*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”