What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out