THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.