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@Staggfilms: THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
@FU_TangClan: [at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
@lisaxy424: me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
@Storminika: I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, 'Hey, what's your friend's name?' on me. Worst pickup line ever.
@JKNenagh: I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
@david8hughes: [first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here's 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that's an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus