THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.


When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.


Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.


Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.


People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.


ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot


Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”


They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.


Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?