My fridge door is squeaking and if that isn’t the biggest form of betrayal….
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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BANK ROBBER: Alright, nobody move!
JELL-O MAN: I promise I’m trying to stop
[text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools
When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’
I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Wonder how Ikea came to the decision to include this disclaimer.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?