@notittryagain

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

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@hardasamother

My fridge door is squeaking and if that isn’t the biggest form of betrayal….

@P_o_n_k

BANK ROBBER: Alright, nobody move!

JELL-O MAN: I promise I’m trying to stop

@squirrel74wkgn

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

@AngelaEhh

When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’

I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’

I’m popular.

@ohmygrapeness

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

@AndyKindler

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

@daemonic3

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?