@BeerBatterBeard

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

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@fro_vo

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

@nbadag

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

@Breadery

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@notenoughwine

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@mostly_cheese

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@dannynett

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”