@Elizasoul80

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

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@HatfieldAnne

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

@Bredwh

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

@1Happytwit

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

@bornmiserable

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

@kumailn

“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook

@XplodingUnicorn

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

@veggiefemme

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.