@Elizasoul80

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

- @Elizasoul80

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@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@panmidwest

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

@robfee

I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.

@Storminika

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

@XGroverX

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

@TheTalkingPipe

The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.

@dubstep4dads

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey