The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar