The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

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It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.


I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.


You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.


“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”


“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook


What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?


A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.