@Kyle_Lippert

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

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@robin_991

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

@pilau

S tay
T he
A fuck
Y at

A home
T you

H stupid
O selfish
M bastards
E ggs

@TheNYAMProject

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

@MelvinofYork

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

@TylerComeOn

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

@_salt_n_lime

My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

@JohnLyonTweets

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

@_xLNc

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

@mommajessiec

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

@junejuly12

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup