[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: But, the conditions are terrible..
CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.