@Kyle_Lippert

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

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@XplodingUnicorn

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

@jonnysun

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

@LurkAtHomeMom

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

@HarmonyRambles

Me: But, the conditions are terrible..

CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.

@tpurvis06

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

@TuSoonShakur

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

@ericsshadow

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

@refreshingslurp

Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

@mamallamapuff

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.