The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer