@envydatropic

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

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@dressingperfect

some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

@HogwartsLogic

When Harry Potter is finally classified as classic literature, my extensive knowledge will be seen as intellectual. Then who’ll be laughing?

@bornmiserable

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

@better_off_dad

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

@WilliamAder

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

@rad_milk

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

@philco816

There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.