WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
When you’ve simply given up.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
barbara was highly relatable
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh