The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Sign of the day..
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.