The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

You Might Also Like


I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard


One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”


Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”


She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.


Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.


Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.


[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”