The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
You Might Also Like
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I needed a laugh this morning.
The Compass
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.