[guy who’s about to invent croutons]
*eating salad* i wish this hurt
The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I’m out of quarters.
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?
Oh how we laughed and laughed….
PS: I need bail money.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!