The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I’m out of quarters.

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[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt


When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.


[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”


What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference


Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.


Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.


[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!