It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
🤣🤣
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…