The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.


My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.


Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.


I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.


It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.


That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.


INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?


Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?


And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so