@ddsmidt

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

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@slonej75

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

@SincerelyMen

“Seize the day” in Latin is “Carpe Diem” …”Seize the day” in Douchebag is “YOLO”

@GrahamKritzer

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

@katlynmearns2

why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for

@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

@Marlebean

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

@Muttafaaa

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

@Mostly_Cheese

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

@Crunch11b

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

@ndiquote

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills