[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-
Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Angel: So what is this?
God: The alligator
Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile
God: It’s the android version
[ Fist bump ]
Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….
Lets call it tie, ok?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!