@ddsmidt

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

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@StatusInBeirut

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

@treywafer

On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@SuperDuperDook

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

@deardilettante

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

@dave_cactus

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

@neonwario

Ah yes. I’ve linked my Twitter to my WordPress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it’s time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood

@LisaFarted

The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.

@LizHackett

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

@AimeeHelene1

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.