@ddsmidt

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

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@justokpanda

[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-

Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now

Him: 19+1/21-1

@ThisOneSayz

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

@xysist

Angel: So what is this?

God: The alligator

Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile

God: It’s the android version

[ Fist bump ]

@ObviouslyJustMe

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@gsu9696

Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times….

Lets call it tie, ok?

@zachreinert03

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

@Book_Krazy

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

@heyitskellyy

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!