The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.


“Seize the day” in Latin is “Carpe Diem” …”Seize the day” in Douchebag is “YOLO”


Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground


why did everyone play the recorder in primary school what were they training us for


Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.


Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.


Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go


I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.


I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.


interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills