If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
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On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Ah yes. I’ve linked my Twitter to my WordPress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it’s time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood
The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.