The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
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Natty or not?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza