@CruisinSoozan

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

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@psybermonkey

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

@iamspacegirl

Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.

@Smethanie

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

@envydatropic

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

@RichardWiseman

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

@FrazzleMyGimp

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

@SaraMansford

Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.