The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.