[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.
So technically, I was on the news tonight.
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Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the
me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.
you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.