The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
You Might Also Like
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr