@Tups13

The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.

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@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@WineMummy

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

@venmo4feet

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

@AndrewChamings

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

@sploosk

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@Jandalize

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.