Coworker: I could care less!
Me: How much less could you care?
Coworker: I don’t get it.
Me: I noticed.
The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.