The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Our lord and savoury.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.