The Last Dance just keeps getting better

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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit


Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*


ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god


I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.


The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together


“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks


HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable


What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????


A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.