@ben_rosen

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

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@decentbirthday

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

@Darlainky

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

@Momfia

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

@T_Bonezzz_

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

@ShutUpThatsWho

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

@shivkumarrx

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????
#RT

@BoomBoomBetty

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.