So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Golf would be better with landmines.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”