@AllanForsyth

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

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@neiltyson

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

@UnFitz

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

@coolidiot2000

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

@iwearaonesie

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@JimmerThatisAll

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

@PaperWash

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

@usedwigs

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

@MomOnFire

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

@notalogin

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.