QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.