[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

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I know I’m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name


COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.


It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.


Hello sir. Your toddler called me a ‘stinky poopyhead’ at the store. I’ve spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I’d like to own him now.


The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.


“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there


Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself


Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.


16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?

Me: A fork??

16: Yes. Do not tweet this.


My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.