@david8hughes

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

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@LostFelicia

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

@TheRomanParker

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

@lbcoen

Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.

@chuuew

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

@favamp

If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

@zakagan

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

@shkeeber

I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*