I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
You Might Also Like
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…
…and everything seems to be in order here.
*falls down/passes out*
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?