[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.