The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You Might Also Like
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.