The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.


Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.


DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW


A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.


relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep


*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*


I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.


A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!