The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
You Might Also Like
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Yep.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say