@withanewname

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

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@o__0Dev

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@allisonjp

When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.

@SocialExtortion

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background

@Contwixt

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

@eTHEgoddess

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@CAshmanActor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?