The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.


When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.


When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.


I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background


Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.


I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.


What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating


The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.


hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for


dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?