The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them