@pdxjohnny99

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

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@dadanddisorderl

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

@MikeDrucker

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@PajamaBenLaden

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@AntozWolf

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

@girlontapas

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

@Home_Halfway

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

@Bob_Heller

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.