The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
not seeing the problem
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Seas the day!!!!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.