The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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*me flirting
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.