It happens when you least expect it.
Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.
Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.