@mack44_d

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

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@SadieSmithRoks

It happens when you least expect it.

Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.

-winter ice/love

@KattsDogma

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

@poutinesmoothie

I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.

@Jessdaisy

Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.

@noduffers

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random

@Midgetspar

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.