The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
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My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions