The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.

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*Things that won’t get done today.


Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.


Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.


You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.


I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.


We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.


*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3


“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!