Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.