The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.