*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
The Compass
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
mariah carrie
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?