The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
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ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Pretty much. 🤣
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house