The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

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i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.


What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?


Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library


I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters


I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.


One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.


I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”


Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard