@StaceyShortcake

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

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@LilNasX

i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍

@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

@michel_lesann

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

@nadiabulkin

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

@WittySassBasket

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

@karanbirtinna

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@ImJESSPlayin

Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard