The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.